dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
