He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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