I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
