This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
