you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
