Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.