I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian