there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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