Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name