I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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