I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
