someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
