watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The best revenge is premature balding
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
