i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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