fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
