Well douche your snatch and let's go!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
