the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
