i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities