I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?