It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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