Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i think my cat just said my name.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
