It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
