I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
