fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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