Jerry, you need to find god
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
