I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
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At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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