my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
