Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize