You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
