there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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