rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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