Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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