Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
