How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
