It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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