My nipple is on Facebook.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
