I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
