I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
