She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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