ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
