i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
