We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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