FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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