She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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