mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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