Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
