i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
