Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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