theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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