BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize