Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
