Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
