So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
