If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
