when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
