That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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